Cool Email Thread

[LA - Made With Steel]

We all get them so let share there jokey goodness, if you get a funny email post it here for all to have a giggle

[LA - Made With Steel]

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
>
> NEW OFFICE POLICY
>
> EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
>
> NEW OFFICE POLICY
>
> Dress Code:
>
> 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
> your salary.
>
> 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
> Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
> and therefore do not need a raise.
>
> 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
> money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
> therefore you do not need a raise.
>
> 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
> to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
>
>
>
> Sick Days:
> We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
> of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
>
> Personal Days:
> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
> They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
>
> Bereavement Leave:
> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
> you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
> effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
> funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
> employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
> scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
> allow you to work through your lunch hour and
> subsequently leave one hour early.
>
>
>
>
> Bathroom Breaks:
> Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
> There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
> stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
> sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
> door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
> second offense, your picture will be posted on the
> company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
> category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
> sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
>
>
>
> Lunch Break: (Love this one)
>
> * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
> to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
>
> * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
> balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
>
> * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
> all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>
>
> Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
> to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
> all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
> frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
> allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
> and input should be directed elsewhere.
>
>
> The Management

[LA - Made With Steel]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Mayhem]

Finding it hard to be politically correct...Not anymore!!!

How to speak to women and be PC
1 She is not a BABE, BIRD or CHICK - She is a breasted citizen
2 She is not EASY - She is horizontally accessible
3 She is not DUMB - She is a detour off the Information Superhighway
4 She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion
5 She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired
6 She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced
7 She is not HORNY - She is Sexually Focused
8 She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is Medically Enhanced
9 She does not NAG you - She is just verbally Repetitive
10 She is not a SLUT - She is Sexually Extroverted
11 She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is Pectorally Superior
12 She is not a TWO BIT SLAPPER - She is a low cost service provider

How to speak to Man and be PC

1 He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a Liquid Storage Facility
2 He is not a BAD DANCER - He is Overly Caucasian
3 He does not GET LOST - He Investigates Alternative Destinations
4 He is not BALDING - He is in Follicle Regression
5 He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is Gene rationally Differential
6 He doesn't get WASTED - He becomes Accidentally Horizontal
7 He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops Rectal Cranial Inversion
8 He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has Swine Empathy
9 He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is Monogamously Challenged
10 He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

[LA - Made With Steel]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!



So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.


It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one
day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.









St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'








The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

[DOEY]

I'VE HAD THIS ONE FOR AGES I KNOW ITS A BIT LONG SO HOPE YOU LIKE IT
GENERAL RULES Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods,play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the "bottle" of the participants.
There is a sliding scale from those who hasten to leave as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

It is important, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of play is not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play.

PARAMETERS The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather.

It is important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and is thus disallowed.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed as being slightly above head height, regardless of the height of the keeper.

The width of the pitch is variable. In the absence of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking winger has to go before the pursuing defender gives up.

At free kicks, the scale of the pitch justifies placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball. It is the formal response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

TACTICS Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from e.g. 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2, the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation.

STOPPAGES Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows more freely, with play continuing around or even on top of participant who has fallen - or more likely been pushed - over.

Other stoppages: 1. Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life, limb and six of the best to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return to play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and any others it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory.

2. Bigger boys steal the ball. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually results in a quick restart.

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly".

CELEBRATION Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands in the air. But making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the cross.

A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard rocket (actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's not full-size pitch") will elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the epithet "***ing poacher" from the opposing defence. "****ing goal-hanger" is the preferred alternative.

Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a bust nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking.

PENALTIES At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one more for a hat trick. In the playground the best player usually takes the penalties but he may defer to the 'best fighter' or if the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take penalties.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties.

CLOSE SEASON This is known also as the Summer Holidays, when the players dabble briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for about an hour and a half until they reckon it really is as boring playing as it is to watch.

In the event of playing fields being under more than 2 feet of water:

Game can be transferred to a concrete playing surface. All girls have to be chased off.

If a forward is forced into the corner of the playground, and traps the ball between his feet and the wall, he can be kicked mercilessly until he screams 'Time and space' the kicking session can still proceed until it has become boring, and the majority want to get on with the match. (The time is also directly proportional to whether the attacker is a poof or a nutter). The defenders then have to retreat for a minimum of 2 inches so the player can turn and kick the ball back into play, or if he is suitably pissed off, into the balls of one of the guys kicking lumps out of him seconds before.

[LA - Made With Steel]

Charlotte , North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against
fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured
property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!!!


ONLY IN AMERICA ----NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS THERE NUTS !!!

[LA - Made With Steel]

Mens Rules

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night is gay.
4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.
5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.
7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
9: You may f@rt in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's
officially your girlfriend.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.
11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.
12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.
16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have s_x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.
22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey s_x. The fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green,
yellow, orange or sky blue.
25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox
360. End of story.
26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.
27. Wear a man bag to work.
28 : We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you
really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a
night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and
having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying
somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a
night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your
collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to
say, "You're next fatty!"
I hope this clears up any confusion